Leaving Home

The first “leaving home” experience is when we leave the controlled environment of our mother’s womb in order to begin the adventure of growth and development. We start as helpless babies who are completely dependent upon parents or other care-givers to provide an environment that attends to physical as well as emotional needs. In matter of fact, even if we get adequate food and shelter, we need relationships to survive and thrive. Life is a journey where we increasingly become more independent of the security and protection of our home and neighborhood.

When Neil Armstrong landed on the moon, he prophetically recognized the importance of leaving mother earth, “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” Do you remember the first day you entered elementary school? One small step into the schoolhouse is also a giant leap for family and humankind. The family loses a lot of control and certainty when their child becomes exposed to different beliefs, behaviors, and information. Also, the family begins the process of sharing their child with society. The child slowly learns to become more self-directed and less dependent upon the family for his or her identity. Each successive passage—elementary school graduation, 13th birthday, driver’s license, first date, and high school graduation—represents an opportunity and challenge for you and your family to adjust to new developments. Life changes for everyone in the family, even pets.

Change and taxes are two of the few certainties of life. When people avoid either, problems occur. If a care-giver speaks to you as a 5 year old, this is a clear signal that your maturation is creating problems. On the other hand, if you are still throwing temper tantrums, then this is a clear indication of resistance to adulthood. Family developmental problems are very complex and various symptoms can occur in any of the family members. These can include substance abuse, depression, social withdrawal, anxieties, phobias, parental marital difficulties, lack of concentration, school/job failure, financial irresponsibility, family cut-offs, or stress-induced physical illnesses.

When is leaving home a problem?

It is quite normal for students and family members to experience difficulties when one of its members leaves home. Typically these problems can be successfully handled if the family can adjust to acquiring new skills to handle this life-cycle stage. For instance, college students will need to learn how to do their laundry and handle finances; whereas parents may have to learn how to fill the emotional absence of their child. Mild symptoms such as homesickness, worry, insecurity, uncertainty, and melancholy are quite normal during this period. However, if symptoms persist and become more severe, then this could be a signal that the family system is really struggling with developing new identities.

Symptoms frequently become more severe when the family’s resistance to change becomes increasingly rigid or when “leaving home” coincides with other family reorganizations such as illness, death, economics, or divorce. If there are too many changes, then family members may want to stabilize the family by assuming former roles and coping mechanisms. Family members often cope by overusing patterns of behavior previously learned in their personal history. Such rigid approaches to life interfere with development and growth.

How can you get help?

When patterns or symptoms become entrenched, then it is wise to make some changes. The following are some suggestions for initiating new patterns in the leaving home process.

• Become aware of your feelings about entering this period of your life.
• Imagine how other members are feeling about their lives and the family.
• Dialogue with family members about developmental issues that are occurring (for example, empty nest, financial concerns, sibling changes, parent mid-life issues, health concerns with family members, etc.).
• Discuss with your parents how they and their families dealt with their leaving home process. Often current difficulties with leaving home have remarkably similarities (or the exact opposite) to previous generations.
• Realize that following your journey does not mean that you are leaving the family.
• Experiment with new behaviors. For instance, if you are calling (or being called by) a parent every day, then experiment with skipping a day or two. Or, if you are going home every weekend, then try spending more time in Columbia.
• Develop responsible approaches to physical and psychological well-being, financial management, time management, and substance use.
• Become a positive influence in the university via succeeding academically, joining organizations, and developing friends.